Namastē!

Indian waterfalls make me smile.

OK so I'm back from India and my apologies for not updating while I was away - but half the time I was working non-stop and half the time I was up in a mountain or on a houseboat with no access to internet. Also I wanted to verbal diarrhea this post all at once because breaking it up would ruin the narrative flow and interrupt my sleeping and drinking time while I was on holiday.

So holy shit, India is cool. I had such an amazing time - great food, great company, breathtaking views and was just a really eye-opening, life changing experience for me. And I mean life changing in the least pretentious way possible. I guess I should say it changed the way I think about things and how I see the world, and I know life changing sounds so goddamn narcissistic (but what else is this blog for, than to air my narcissism to the world?) but it really was a trip I will forever remember.

Alright enough philosophical bull shit - onto the goods!

So somehow, my coworker and I managed to bypass the volcano and the BA strike and make our flight on Monday at 2 pm. We flew business class which was pretty amazing. Usually I'm a first class kind of girl but I know Yahoo! is trying to save some dough so I guess I'll let it slide this time. Anyway it pretty much just means you're closer to the front of the plane and you get 2.5 inches of extra leg room. You also get lots of food and booze which I took advantage of without hesitation. We land in India at 4 am (after watching Shutter Island, Blindside and Sex and the City: The Movie and enjoying my first (and sweet lord, not my last) curry). As soon as we land in Bangalore (also Bengaluru for some strange reason), I feel a warm gust of wind welcome me off the plane and then BAM! a very foreign smell smack me right in my westernized face! It was truly a pungent odor but after five minutes or so, I just sort of got used to it.

We headed straight to our hotel so we could get some sleep in before we went to the office. We get a cab to Leela Palace and holy hell, it's the nicest hotel I've ever been to in my life (I fly first class but then stay in roach motels - evens things out on the money and culture front). The place was uber opulent - super high ceilings, three restaurants, rose petal fountains and giant chandeliers, men dressed in formal Indian attire opening our doors (I tried really hard not to make any verbal references to The Little Princess but I broke down after about 10 minutes. My coworker looked at me like I was severely mentally challenged).

Leela Palace: They do not mess around

Anyway we head up to our respective rooms which were also breathtaking - gorgeous view, super spacious, large sitting area, huge bathroom with a jacuzzi, etc, etc. Anyway it was one of those situations where I was working so much I didn't get to take advantage of anything which sort of sucked but it was still a baller hotel and one which I hope my company feels the need to send me to sometime in the future.

So we wake up after a five hour nap feeling pretty disoriented. We get in a cab and head to the tech park where the Yahoo offices are located. If anyone has read White Tiger (if you haven't, go do it now, you uncultured slob) it's set in Bangalore and the main character in the book talks about seeing the giant Yahoo! sign outside the airport and doing something rather lude to it. Anyway the Yahoo offices are located in the tech park along with a million other giant companies that have outsourced their customer service and engineering work to India. Apparently Bangalore used to be a retirement destination but has since turned into the mecca for Indian tech headquarters. So anyway, needless to stay the place was sterile and concrete jungle like and not really culturally enriching but whatevs.

So we meet the engineers that are working on the new site and get straight to work. The guys there are literally the most affable, kind and sweet men I’ve ever met – they’re so smiley and without sounding horrifically condescending, really adorable. They do this head shake thing that is the most transfixing, amazing thing ever. It’s like ‘no’ headshake but it’s as if their head and neck are separate entities – like a Dwight boblehead. It’s hypnotic and I am SO jealous that I can’t do it.

The other hilarious thing to mention is that my coworker and I are both rather tall (get ready for it) white women. The men in southern India are predominately short and, surprisingly, not white. I also packed in a rather culturally ignorant fashion and when I showed up to the office wearing a dress (of an appropriate length) I realized that you if you’re a chick in India, don’t be showing off those legs. There are like 1,000 + employees at the Bangalore office (including some women), so in a sea of modesty, I felt like a big, white, slaggy oaf in front of these small, brown, head shaking men.

I wore jeans for the rest of the week even though it was 30+ degrees outside.

So work was work not much to say there – ate a lot of bomb ass curry and then had to deal with my weak ass digestive system. Tried some good stuff and some bad stuff and some stuff that I wouldn’t even be able to identify if I was in front of the high commission of curry leaders but mostly, food was good. Didn’t drink a ton (STOP THE PRESSES) and also didn’t sleep a lot. I needed a vacation from my work vacation.

On Friday we got on a tiny ass plane and headed to Kerala - a state in the south western part of India. It’s a tourist spot and espouses a richer and more culturally dynamic travel experience than the concrete tech prison of Bangalore. Our brethren over in Bangalore actually organized the whole trip for us, got us a sweet discount and called us practically every hour on the hour to see if we’d gotten on the plane, gotten off the plane, eaten, slept, had a bowel movement, etc. Anyway they were super sweet but like so over the top hospitable it made me feel bad about myself. If they had come to the UK and needed help, I probably would have told them where to go shove it. But they would honestly walk in front of traffic for you, even if they only met you two days ago. Anyway they were super helpful and I was beyond appreciative of their kindness.

So, we land in Kerala and it is GODDAMN hot. Must have been 45 degrees and I was DYING. So we go outside and see a million dudes holding signs and then I see MY NAME ON A SIGN! Ohmigod I felt like a really important business person or a mafia boss or something. Anyway they spelt my name wrong, but that’s besides the point. So we meet Vinesh who we quickly realize is going to be our guide/driver/super head shaker for the rest of the journey.

He should be in India GQ (if it exists)

So we get in our sweet air conditioned car and drive five hours to the top of goddamn mountain! I also see an elephant on the side of the road on the way up there and make Vinesh stop so I can be a big dumb north American and get my picture taken with him. It’s actually a momma elephant and she has a chain on her leg and I immediately feel awful about the whole thing. But then I touch it and look like I have a touch of the downs and now seeing this picture, it makes it so much better.

Mama, you know I love you.

So we continue driving and get to our resort and it is looking nothing like our sweet Leela palace but it’s definitely better then the last hotel we say in (ohhh, forboding forshadowing!). Anyway, it’s nighttime when we settle in so we go and eat some curry for dinner. Sidenote: I love curry as much as the next currylover, but man, six days of curry does some weird shit to your digestive tract. Honestly if I even looked at a curry my stomach started screaming expletives at me. So I tried to stick to like the carb friendly non-dishes-made-with-10-million-spices stuff. What’s with that anyway? It’s like some competition to see how many effing spices they can get in one dish – we get it, you like SPICES. Stop abusing my internal organs.

Alright enough of my ignorant ramblings. So we wake up the next morning and BAM the view from our bedroom is incredible. We are 1500 feet up and looking down on dozens of tea plantations which are beautiful. We are literally in the clouds. It was quite amazing and the pictures don’t do it justice but the roads are rickety as hell and you feel like you just might die by-passing and swerving around cars on this narrow-ass road, but then you get up there and you’re like damn, almost dying was totally worth it! So Vinesh, who slept in his car (I felt really weird about this. Do we offer him our shower? Or to drive? Maybe I could take over on the head-shaking for a while? Give it up, Patsy, you suck. It’s never going to happen. SHUT UP BRAIN) collects us and we head to a wildlife park.

I was really excited because I expected like lions and tigers and shit to just jump out and start some parade that was musically accompanied like that scene from Aladdin when price Ali Ababwa rolls into town (my knowledge and understanding of other cultures is absolutely reprehensible thanks to Hollywood movies). All we saw were some dumb goats and a snake.

Goats are stupid.

We also befriended a group of young Indian boys who asked us off the bat if we were married – retrospectively I should have stirred the pot and said I was part of a lesbian polygamist sect but instead I said something really clever like ‘no’ and then they wouldn’t leave me alone the whole time and took a million pictures of us and took pictures in ridiculous poses and took my sunglasses and treated us like caged animals. It’s funny because in North America, doing that to a foreigner would be social suicide, but in India I just had to smile and laugh while they took crotch shots and asked me for the 50^th time to pose with them. Ah, so culturally enriching.

Anyway we peaced out of that LAME ass park and then went to a tea plantation. We watched some propaganda about how the British helped the Indians start the tea trade and farm their land and they helped them with medical benefits and built up their towns and everyone lived in absolutely harmony and no one was every abused or died at their hands and butterflies and unicorns frolicked in the tea fields while a rainbow glistened in the background.

Now go to the gift shop and buy some goddamn tea.

Then we did some shopping in the downtown district which was crazy – dirt roads and Indian flags and people trying to rip off foreigners and fruit stalls and poverty and more poverty and cashews (they have the best goddamn nuts in India. No lie. Make your jokes, I don’t even care because I ate the meatiest, saltiest, curriest cashews and you didn’t).

Then we headed back to our hotel for a little rest and then out again to see a traditional Kerala dance. I won’t even go into it cause it was weird as hell but they have these elaborate costumes and put on this like Indian Opera where they don’t sing or talk but they kind of like use facial expressions to communicate. I’ll be honest, I was scared.

I know I'm ignorant

After that we went to get a traditional ayurvedic massage. I won’t go into details because there are some things I won’t disclose on here but it was fully the most unwanted intimate experience I’ve ever had. I was on the whole Swedish train, expecting them to rub my back, maybe some music, maybe even a sprinkle of oil. This was a litre of oil, wooden board and absolutely no discretion about no-no areas. Then I sat in a steam bath trying to retain some of my shame. Then I had the most awkward shower out of a bucket with a bowl that if possible, made me feel even dirtier. Then I vowed to myself never ever EVER to have an ayurvedic massage again.

So the next day we got in our car (Vinesh slept there again – are you SURE you don’t want me to take over on the head shaking? COME ON). Then we had a five hour journey to the backwaters where we would meet our houseboat!

We arrive and it’s SO EFFING HOT MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE. I have never been this hot in my life. I am pale girl with welsh heritage and a penchant for whining and bitching about everything so extreme heat is like the catalyst for EXTREME complaining. Anyway we get on the boat which is awesome – huge, open, big bedroom, a kitchen and a giant dining and seating area. We have a crew of three – a driver, a cook and an engineer. We are going to drive for a couple hours, dock the boat, then get up in the morning and drive back.

I was on a boat!

I slather on SPF infinity and read my book (follow up to White Tiger; don’t read it, dude lost his mojo). I have a nap and then we stop and buy some mammoth shrimp that look like lobsters from the side of the boat. Then we have to make an illegal beer run because we NEED beer. How can you be on a boat with balmy weather on a river and not crack open a sweet cold beer. So our crew wrangle up some beer and we pass the time chatting, taking pictures, playing cards, blasting some tunes. It was most definitely my favourite experience. We docked the boat and took a swim which was AMAZING – though we went in our clothes because again, Indian woman don’t peel off into bikinis and our crew was a bunch of dudes so we took the safe route. Then we had a DELICIOUS dinner (those giant shrimps are the BOMB – best lobster shrimp I have ever eaten – anyone else think of Bubba from Forrest Gump when I wrote that? Just me? OK then. Then we played cards with the crew and got SCHOOLED in Gin Rummy. They don’t speak English but they will DESTROY you in cards. Then we headed to bed after a lightening storm and incredible sunset.

Ain't she a beaut?

We woke up the next day and headed back to the meeting place after a monsoon-like rainfall. Vinesh picked us up, dropped us off at the airport (we gave him a big ass tip and he looked super happy which made me happy and then sad that he never let me do the head shake).

We got on our plane back to Bangalore and stayed in the SEEDIEST motel ever. Our buddy from the Yahoo office had set it up. From the outside, Tranquil Suites (the sketchy places always name it something sinister sounding like that. It’s like Tranquil Suites: We’ll kill you in your sleep!) seemed alright. But when we got to our little unit, it was clear someone had been living there and just like moved out for the night. His stuff was in the closet and in the bathroom. The bathroom was a filth hole that hadn’t been cleaned and the bed looked dirty and had one thin ass blanket for the both of us. We got out of there to grab dinner and ended meeting some Australians who were filming a bollywood movie. They were crazy-insane and the girl with them with them was this leggy blonde tanned British chick who was wearing the shortest skirt I had ever seen and I was amazed someone could dress like that in a country like India. Anyway we got pretty wasted and got back to our hotel at like 1 am. We slept for a couple of hours and then woke up to catch our 6 am flight back to London. When Hazel got up she screamed and said there was a cockroach in the bathroom - I looked in and the fucker was like the size of my fist. I freaked out and wouldn’t go to the bathroom and held it til we got to the airport. I like to consider myself a country girl at heart – I don’t mind spiders and most bugs but cockroaches are the nastiest creatures in the world and they give me the heebie geebies in a terrifying way. So Ileft India being totally disgusted but I will definitely go back again – maybe Goa or Mumbai or do the Himalayas but definitely not back to TRANQUIL FUCKING SUITES.

Alright this was a long one and if you read all the way down here, you must really love me. We have another long weekend this weekend I have no plans really and Franca is gone so I will be doing it on the fly and hopefully have interesting things to write about when I get back.

Have a fantastic weekend in Canada land (or wherever you are) and I will write back sooner this time (no two week+ delay – I promise).

Cheers,

Patsy