99% Satisfaction Guaranteed

So I'm not even joking, this is an actual conversation I just had with a courier service at Heathrow.

Me: So I'm calling about my bags, I'd like to have them couriered to me tomorrow.
Douche: OK, well, we can do that for you.
Me: OK, how much will it cost?
Douche: £36.
Me: OK, and what's the window time for the delivery?
Douche: Umm, we don't actually do that.
Me: So I'm supposed to wait at my house all day then?
Douche: Yes, well that's the policy.
Me: (Trying to refrain from going on an expletive-laced rampage). Umm, OK well can they call me when they're close by?
Douche: We can't guarantee they'll do that.
Me: OK so what are we looking at, 9-5 kind of thing?
Douche: Yes.
Me: So I will have my bags by 5 PM tomorrow.
Douche: Well we can't guarantee that, something might come up that would prevent us from delivering.
Me: So what you're saying is I have to wait at my house all day tomorrow and as a result I may or may not receive my bags.
Douche: Yes, it's very unlikely that they won't be delivered but it is a possibility. Or we could do a morning delivery but it will cost more.
Me: How much?
Douche: An extra £10, plus VAT (their weird sounding tax)
Me: How much in total?
Douche: £56.
Me: OK but you can guarantee I will get my bags before 12 pm?
Douche: Well, no we can't guarantee anything. It's about 99%. There's very little chance that they won't deliver it by noon.
Me: So what exactly am I paying for? For a half hearted promise you'll try and be there by noon?
Douche: Well, in the event that they can't deliver it in time, we can call you.
Me: I thought you coudn't call me, or you didn't do that. Or do I get VIP 'telephone call' treatment because I paid an extra £10.
Douche: It's very unlikely it won't arrive but if it doesn't we will call you and let you know.
Me: (Repeatedly slamming my head against the dirty Starbucks table). Fuck it. Whatever this is like a fucking episode of Fawlty Towers. You have fucked up my normally perfect blood pressure. I don't care just fucking get my stuff here tomorrow. Your policies are bullshit.

Side note, just had my second interview for the travel website. I hope I get it! I will write you as soon as I know.

Cheers,

Patsy

P.S. For a fun little game, type the ex patsy into Google!